chchcheckit_out

i have nothing left.
i've given it my all, and it gets cut off.

its so hard to be honest with everyone around you, when you're not honest with yourself.
i'm beginning to believe that i'm slipping back into my old habit of trying to please everyone. i don't know what to do anymore. i feel like i've lost myself among all of the changes that have taken place these past six months.
part of me wants to sit down, and analyze the way i am, and the way i handle problems, but i'm afraid if i do that.. i won't like what i see or what i figure out about myself. is it okay to be afraid of who you really are?
as i sit here, with the tears coming down my "cute" cheeks, it makes me wonder. if anything's worth the effort that i put into it. i've been told to not get my hopes up and not close off any options.. but its become so second nature to me these days. i don't want anyone else, i don't want to BE with anyone else. noone. noone can make me as happy as this special person does. i look forward to hearing from him everyday, its almost addicting.
wondering what he's done, or who he's met. i don't know if i'm hurting myself more and more everytime i talk to him.
i don't want it to be like that.
i hate being far away, i hate knowing that other girls could catch his attention. i don't want to be replaced, i don't want to feel replaced.
i don't want to replace him.

trying to find the words i want to say,
is like trying to find something to satisfy the feeling that burns deep within the pit of my stomach.

i feel, like, i'm not worth it.

i'm not worth it.

days seem to go on foreverrr, they're never ending.
i'm impatient, yet, satisfied..
to an extent.

i just dont know what i need.

no how much i want to get on with my life, everything i see, do, say, reminds me of you. i sound so immature.
i was thinking tonight about the night, your lips meant mine.
about how i felt so safe, and so whole. and as each day passes, the urge to see you and be with you just grows.
its just an emptyness, that i don't like.

i feel whole when you're arms are around me, when i look in your eyes.
everything was so clear when you were around.
and i can't wait for the day, that i'll be in your arms again.
until then, all i can do is hope that you haven't forgotten about me.
i miss you.

sometimes, you just need to cry.

i have to resist the urge to call you up,
i have to fight back tears,
disconnection isn't easy,
cause my thoughts are consumed by the memories,
..the way you looked into my eyes, the smell of your skin,
the feeling of your heartbeating next to mine,
all i have are memories.

i'm waiting for the day for you to come back,
i'm waiting for the day the disconnection is broken down,
and i can hear your voice again.
i just want to be held, by you, one more time.

my thoughts are consumed by the way you held me, the way you looked at me, the way you made me feel. i have never felt so happy. but you left. do whatcha gotta do. but my happiness went away when i saw the reflection of your car ride off. out of my fantasy world, my mind snapped back to reality.  
all i want is to see your face, to feel your arms around me, to feel like i matter.. it's all i could ever want.

i'm incapable of thinking of anything else.

all i want out of life is to be happy, truely happy.

but my one and only goal seems so far out of reach.

and i don't know what to do about it.

i've tried to surround myself with people, i've tried to be alone.. nothing works.

i feel like i'm missing something.

it's been a while.

i am completely happy with my life.

i just wish i would get visitors.

summer has officially begun, papers are turned in; and i've closed my highschool doors for the last time, until graduation.
tomorrows the first step toward this change that i'm forced to go through.
and the next is June 10th, the day i'll move my tassel to the right side and be on my way into the "real world"

to my friend that is leaving- i've enjoyed every minute that i've spent with you, you've helped me grow so much as a person, i'll never forget. i will miss you terribly, despite how much you'll miss me. you'll never know the impact that you've made on my life. and maybe one day down the road, our "wires will cross" and i'll be able to talk to you, face to face. nothing in the way. maybe i'll be lucky enough to keep in contact with you. and if i don't, its been real nice getting to know you; i've enjoyed every second of it. i'm sorry for my wide range of emotions that you've had to put up with. i've learned to love myself, because of you. every glance from your eyes will stay with me forever; i'll never forget you. i hope to talk to you when you return. you know who you are.

tears have fallen every night from my bright blue eyes,
words have come out of my mouth that wouldnt have two months ago,
people have impacted my life in too many ways to imagine,
i will miss how every thing used to be,
i just know it.
to tell the truth, i miss it already.

this feeling i can't explain, knowing that everything is ending.
kills me inside.

graduation is 20 days away.
i'm going to miss high school.

knowing that i'll be alone, is the worst thing ever.
i'm a dissapointment, i complain too much, i'll be alone soon.

dear liar.
i've known you for a while now. you were cool and you're fun to hang out with. but you're tyring to make yourself more interesting by lying, its pathetic. and he believes every word, every word. you're hurting my best friend, you hurt him with every word that comes off your acid tongue. just stop, noone cares. i've bent over backwards for you; now i'm done. i will not be used by you, any more.

dear distance.
i miss you more and more with each passing day. you're my best friend, adn you always will be. and it hurts so bad to hear you say that you want to stop living. you've made the biggest impact on my life. i with i could see you more often, like snapping my fingers and you be here when i need you. your laugh, smile, expressions are contagious. adn you make me feel like my life is worth while. i'll always be here for you, even if i can't be by your side everytime you cry, are soo angry that you're shaking, i'm just a phone call away. when everyone's gone, i'll stay. don't you forget it.

dear too-soon-too-leave.
i don't know you as well as i want too. but the time that i've spent getting to know you, has been unforgettable. you've made me feel so comfortable in my own skin, i've accepted myself because of you. i guess thats why i'm so attached, you're that constant reminder that "i'll be alright" or "i'm all i have"; some of those lessons are hard to learn, i'm not being stubborn. i don't have to put on a mask when i talk to you, i feel like you accept me as i am; no need for changing. and that's the best feeling in the world. i'll never forget you. and it hurts to know that we might not ever talk again. i don't know what i'm gonna do with myself when you leave. i need to know, i need to know, that you'll never forget the conversations that we've had. i need to know that you'll never forget me.

dear loyal.
i've known you for 12 years, 12 long years. i know we've had our ups and downs, but we've overcome them; and became stronger friends in the end. i'll be here for you, even when youur far away from me. you're moving away, starting a new life ; and yes, you really need it. i know that you'll come back. i'll never forget all of our good times; growing up together, riding bikes together with our matching helmets, endless seepovers, toes in dip, shopping, crying, you being there for me, and me being there for you. the list could go on. our kids will grow up together, or lives will go on; but i guarentee that we'll be gossiping, crying, talking, adn laughting together till we're old and wrinkly. i'ld do anything for you. i'd walk to north carolina if you need me. i love you. and i'll miss you terribly. i'll be eternally in debt to repay you for the countless amounts of friendship adn good times that we've shared through out these years. you could never be replaced.

being pessimistic is not an option anymore.

i don't know what to do anymore.
the biggest change that's ever come my way, a moment that i've looked forward too since i was in first grade, is coming up in a matter of weeks. i can't change it, noone can. graduation, seperation, leaving is a fact of life.. i understand.
my best friend of 12 years is moving to north carolina, to go to college, to meet new friends; while i'm at home.. doing nothing. and being alone.
many of my friends are leaving, the ones i trust the most, the ones that i feel like actually care; are all leaving. and there's a big chance that i'll never see them or talk to them again.

i've never felt more alone or on my own, emoionally.
if this is a taste of the real world.. i don't like it.

i have noone to lean on, and i feel like noone cares. i can barely breathe, adn i seem to be crying more and more.
i just wish something stable would come into my life.. i wish i had someone who wil always be there. who will never: leave. never leave.
i just need something i know i can trust and lean on, without them leaving, without knowing that there's a chance that i'll never talk to em again.
i don't have anymore tears left.

i have no control.
i've never had control.