compared to your eyes, nothing's brighter.

chchcheckit_out @ 2009-09-22T00:15:00

2009-09-22T04:15:46Z

i have nothing left.
i've given it my all, and it gets cut off.

chchcheckit_out @ 2009-09-20T00:06:00

2009-09-20T04:16:50Z

its so hard to be honest with everyone around you, when you're not honest with yourself.
i'm beginning to believe that i'm slipping back into my old habit of trying to please everyone. i don't know what to do anymore. i feel like i've lost myself among all of the changes that have taken place these past six months.
part of me wants to sit down, and analyze the way i am, and the way i handle problems, but i'm afraid if i do that.. i won't like what i see or what i figure out about myself. is it okay to be afraid of who you really are?
as i sit here, with the tears coming down my "cute" cheeks, it makes me wonder. if anything's worth the effort that i put into it. i've been told to not get my hopes up and not close off any options.. but its become so second nature to me these days. i don't want anyone else, i don't want to BE with anyone else. noone. noone can make me as happy as this special person does. i look forward to hearing from him everyday, its almost addicting.
wondering what he's done, or who he's met. i don't know if i'm hurting myself more and more everytime i talk to him.
i don't want it to be like that.
i hate being far away, i hate knowing that other girls could catch his attention. i don't want to be replaced, i don't want to feel replaced.
i don't want to replace him.

chchcheckit_out @ 2009-09-07T20:32:00

2009-09-08T00:37:34Z

trying to find the words i want to say,
is like trying to find something to satisfy the feeling that burns deep within the pit of my stomach.

i feel, like, i'm not worth it.

i'm not worth it.

chchcheckit_out @ 2009-08-07T00:41:00

2009-08-07T04:42:20Z

days seem to go on foreverrr, they're never ending.
i'm impatient, yet, satisfied..
to an extent.

i just dont know what i need.

miss you.

2009-08-05T06:36:10Z

no how much i want to get on with my life, everything i see, do, say, reminds me of you. i sound so immature.
i was thinking tonight about the night, your lips meant mine.
about how i felt so safe, and so whole. and as each day passes, the urge to see you and be with you just grows.
its just an emptyness, that i don't like.

i feel whole when you're arms are around me, when i look in your eyes.
everything was so clear when you were around.
and i can't wait for the day, that i'll be in your arms again.
until then, all i can do is hope that you haven't forgotten about me.
i miss you.

chchcheckit_out @ 2009-07-25T03:27:00

2009-07-25T07:28:29Z

sometimes, you just need to cry.

you rode away.

2009-07-14T05:04:38Z

your lips, your eyes, your face.
they light up my day,
they give me something to look forward too.
my world's been dim since you left.
you drove away,
not knowing if you'd come back,
my life will be light-less,
until i see your smile again,
until i hear you laugh one more time.

i know you'll come back.
and i can't wait.

eh.

2009-07-12T22:10:57Z

i have to resist the urge to call you up,
i have to fight back tears,
disconnection isn't easy,
cause my thoughts are consumed by the memories,
..the way you looked into my eyes, the smell of your skin,
the feeling of your heartbeating next to mine,
all i have are memories.

i'm waiting for the day for you to come back,
i'm waiting for the day the disconnection is broken down,
and i can hear your voice again.
i just want to be held, by you, one more time.

thoughts

2009-07-12T03:58:45Z

my thoughts are consumed by the way you held me, the way you looked at me, the way you made me feel. i have never felt so happy. but you left. do whatcha gotta do. but my happiness went away when i saw the reflection of your car ride off. out of my fantasy world, my mind snapped back to reality.
all i want is to see your face, to feel your arms around me, to feel like i matter.. it's all i could ever want.

i'm incapable of thinking of anything else.

chchcheckit_out @ 2009-07-09T21:12:00

2009-07-10T01:14:59Z

all i want out of life is to be happy, truely happy.

but my one and only goal seems so far out of reach.

and i don't know what to do about it.

i've tried to surround myself with people, i've tried to be alone.. nothing works.

i feel like i'm missing something.

chchcheckit_out @ 2009-06-20T03:11:00

2009-06-20T07:12:38Z

it's been a while.

i am completely happy with my life.

i just wish i would get visitors.

life's good.

2009-06-04T14:51:33Z

laugh too loud.
stare too long.
get in trouble.
go cloud watching.
drive around with no destination.
sit back, breathe.
give a hug.
live it up.
let it out.
its okay to be by yourself.
life's beautiful.

in between everyone leaving, graduation less than a week away, angry people.. i've realized, i need this.
i need to graduate, i need to move on..
i've accepted myself as i am and i love it.

i also recgonized that in the blink of an eye, my life could end. i need to be positive, or i'll get nothing out of life.

taking time to reflect, i realize that i've taken so much time for granted.. its kinda bad that it's taken me 18 years to realize that i need change,i want change; as long as i have control of all of the change, i'll be alright.
..i should work on that.

i'll be alright.
i'm going to have to be.

and for once, i'm okay with that.

"the sun's signature on my shoulders"

2009-05-30T06:04:44Z

summer has officially begun, papers are turned in; and i've closed my highschool doors for the last time, until graduation.
tomorrows the first step toward this change that i'm forced to go through.
and the next is June 10th, the day i'll move my tassel to the right side and be on my way into the "real world"

to my friend that is leaving- i've enjoyed every minute that i've spent with you, you've helped me grow so much as a person, i'll never forget. i will miss you terribly, despite how much you'll miss me. you'll never know the impact that you've made on my life. and maybe one day down the road, our "wires will cross" and i'll be able to talk to you, face to face. nothing in the way. maybe i'll be lucky enough to keep in contact with you. and if i don't, its been real nice getting to know you; i've enjoyed every second of it. i'm sorry for my wide range of emotions that you've had to put up with. i've learned to love myself, because of you. every glance from your eyes will stay with me forever; i'll never forget you. i hope to talk to you when you return. you know who you are.

tears have fallen every night from my bright blue eyes,
words have come out of my mouth that wouldnt have two months ago,
people have impacted my life in too many ways to imagine,
i will miss how every thing used to be,
i just know it.
to tell the truth, i miss it already.

chchcheckit_out @ 2009-05-29T01:40:00

2009-05-29T05:49:52Z

this feeling i can't explain, knowing that everything is ending.
kills me inside.

chchcheckit_out @ 2009-05-21T16:31:00

2009-05-21T16:34:20Z

graduation is 20 days away.
i'm going to miss high school.

chchcheckit_out @ 2009-05-20T02:22:00

2009-05-20T06:23:45Z

knowing that i'll be alone, is the worst thing ever.
i'm a dissapointment, i complain too much, i'll be alone soon.

Nothing on my Mind

2009-05-12T05:04:54Z

today was the a.p. biology test, and i actually think i did decent.
that's one more thing off my list. may's coming to a close really really quickly.
all that's left is prom and graduation.

time's gone by too quickly.

i realized that when i was on my way to sailsbury with zach, and i popped in an old NSYNC cd.
it brought back a flood of memories as i sung everyword. i miss the carefree days.
the day's where it was okay to missmatch, where a fight between friends lasted until recess,
where everyone got along.
i miss not being able to care.

there's only so much change one person can take, and i feel like i'm reaching my limit.

chchcheckit_out @ 2009-05-10T21:12:00

2009-05-11T01:29:01Z

dear liar.
i've known you for a while now. you were cool and you're fun to hang out with. but you're tyring to make yourself more interesting by lying, its pathetic. and he believes every word, every word. you're hurting my best friend, you hurt him with every word that comes off your acid tongue. just stop, noone cares. i've bent over backwards for you; now i'm done. i will not be used by you, any more.

dear distance.
i miss you more and more with each passing day. you're my best friend, adn you always will be. and it hurts so bad to hear you say that you want to stop living. you've made the biggest impact on my life. i with i could see you more often, like snapping my fingers and you be here when i need you. your laugh, smile, expressions are contagious. adn you make me feel like my life is worth while. i'll always be here for you, even if i can't be by your side everytime you cry, are soo angry that you're shaking, i'm just a phone call away. when everyone's gone, i'll stay. don't you forget it.

dear too-soon-too-leave.
i don't know you as well as i want too. but the time that i've spent getting to know you, has been unforgettable. you've made me feel so comfortable in my own skin, i've accepted myself because of you. i guess thats why i'm so attached, you're that constant reminder that "i'll be alright" or "i'm all i have"; some of those lessons are hard to learn, i'm not being stubborn. i don't have to put on a mask when i talk to you, i feel like you accept me as i am; no need for changing. and that's the best feeling in the world. i'll never forget you. and it hurts to know that we might not ever talk again. i don't know what i'm gonna do with myself when you leave. i need to know, i need to know, that you'll never forget the conversations that we've had. i need to know that you'll never forget me.

dear loyal.
i've known you for 12 years, 12 long years. i know we've had our ups and downs, but we've overcome them; and became stronger friends in the end. i'll be here for you, even when youur far away from me. you're moving away, starting a new life ; and yes, you really need it. i know that you'll come back. i'll never forget all of our good times; growing up together, riding bikes together with our matching helmets, endless seepovers, toes in dip, shopping, crying, you being there for me, and me being there for you. the list could go on. our kids will grow up together, or lives will go on; but i guarentee that we'll be gossiping, crying, talking, adn laughting together till we're old and wrinkly. i'ld do anything for you. i'd walk to north carolina if you need me. i love you. and i'll miss you terribly. i'll be eternally in debt to repay you for the countless amounts of friendship adn good times that we've shared through out these years. you could never be replaced.

Yeah.

2009-05-07T00:48:27Z

being pessimistic is not an option anymore.

Downpour.

2009-05-06T06:38:42Z

i don't know what to do anymore.
the biggest change that's ever come my way, a moment that i've looked forward too since i was in first grade, is coming up in a matter of weeks. i can't change it, noone can. graduation, seperation, leaving is a fact of life.. i understand.
my best friend of 12 years is moving to north carolina, to go to college, to meet new friends; while i'm at home.. doing nothing. and being alone.
many of my friends are leaving, the ones i trust the most, the ones that i feel like actually care; are all leaving. and there's a big chance that i'll never see them or talk to them again.

i've never felt more alone or on my own, emoionally.
if this is a taste of the real world.. i don't like it.

i have noone to lean on, and i feel like noone cares. i can barely breathe, adn i seem to be crying more and more.
i just wish something stable would come into my life.. i wish i had someone who wil always be there. who will never: leave. never leave.
i just need something i know i can trust and lean on, without them leaving, without knowing that there's a chance that i'll never talk to em again.
i don't have anymore tears left.

i have no control.
i've never had control.

It's not the real me.

2009-05-04T03:06:35Z

i don't even know what to think. life's frusterating.
espically since i'm secluded; not because i choose to me.

"..so many times i've tried, but i'm still caged inside,
somebody get me through this nightmare, i can't conrtol myself,
so what if you can see, the darkest side of me?, noone will ever
change this animal i have become, help me believe, it's not the
real me, somebody help me tame this animal,
i can't escape myself:."

i've lost who i am, or who i thought i was..

high school.

2009-05-01T04:06:24Z

today at school we got our cap and gowns/ graduation announcements; naturally it led to thinking.
high school is over on June 10, 2009.
what am i gonna do after that? besides college and that; i mean, for the rest of my life? i'm not sure if the "chosen" occupation fits me, i have no money to just get up and move away, my friends are all busy, i feel like i have to go through this by myself.

up to now, i've worried about who i hang out with, what my plans were on the weekends, what to wear; trivial stuff. everythings about to change. i'm going to be in the real world soon; no mercy.. my world may stop, but everone elses keeps going. all of the things i've worried about these past four years, means nothing.
when i get a real career, noone's gonna care about who i hung out with, what i wore, whatever things i did in high school.
my friends are moving away, continuing with their lives in other places scattered across the country. while i'm stuck here, on the eastern shore, molding to what my parents want me to be.

and as far as i'm concerned; i want to leave, i should have left. i know it.
all the college experiences are put on hold, while i live my country bumpkin life out here, sheltered from the "real world" under my parents' controlling grasp.

but at the same time, i'm not ready for change.

hmm. maybe?

2009-04-29T03:23:15Z

Feelings?
Lets hope this feeling lasts, after you leave,
Miles and miles away is just so very far it seems,
I catch my breath, and close my eyes,
Wishing for that one day, that you'd want to
    stay by my side.

If absence makes the heart stronger,
Then why do i feel so weak?,
If you were here would you hold me close,
Listen to my breathing?
I'm only me, when i'm with you,
I'm safer here with you, by my side,
   by my side.

I know you're gonna leave, despide what I want,
So hold my glance, for just one more second,
This is all i want to live for,
So hold me tight, let me listen to your breathing,
And promise me that when you leave,
That you'll come back,
I know she's more important..
Oh, I know.

If absence makes the heart stronger,
Then why do I feel so weak?,
If you were here would you hold me close,
Listen to my breathing?
I'm only me when i'm with you,
I'm safer here with you, by my side,
   by my side.

Laced fingers are coming loose,
Threads are being torn,
I know you need to go, you need to leave,
But i don't want you to go--

I'm only me when i'm with you.

sooo..

2009-04-21T20:01:16Z

so, i just realized that i only update this jank when i'm sad.
imma change that! =]

i've been pretty happy for a while now, i feel like everytihng's kindof fallen into place.. a lot has changed, but only for the better.
i realize now that, i'm not gonna have my friends in a short while. most of them are moving away, going to college, etc. (yeah that makes me sad) butttt it makes me realize that i need to spend time with them, get to know them better than i already do, and not take anything for granted anymore.

i don't know what i'd do without every single one of them. they keep me together.. and just when it feels like everything's falling apart, i'm picked up, sat down, and cheered up =]

you know who you are =]
so, thank you =]

chchcheckit_out @ 2009-04-12T20:52:00

2009-04-13T01:10:10Z

01: Make a list of 5 things you can see:
-edward cullen.
-chinease lantern thingys
-mah cellular
-red fingernail polish
-jonas brothers

02. Would you ever get plastic surgery?
nah. i'm too much of a wuss.
that, and i love the body God's given me =]

03.Is there anything in your fridge right now that you would never eat/drink?
hah yes. but not for sanitary reasons, i'm picky =]

04. What's your occupation?
senior at Nandua High! customer assistance person at The Blue Crow Antique Mall, and kid watcher =]

05. Do you nap a lot?
when i can! it makes me feel good =]

06. Who was your first celebrity crush?
*blushing* Aaron Carterr

07. What's your current fandom/obsession/addiction
twilight, texting, singing loudly, rap music, not caringg

08. What are you listening to now?
my sister talk about some sunglassesss

09. What was the last text message you received?
from morgan about tanning =]

10. What websites do you always visit when you go online?
Facebook, Myspace, Flickr, Youtube, Livejournal

11. What was the last thing you bought?
uhmmm. gas?

12. Radiohead, Muse, or Interpol? Choose one.
hah. i dunno =]

13. Does the weather affect your mood?
eh. sometimes.

14. What is your zodiac sign?
ariess.

15. Subway or Quiznos?
Subway!

16. Weird dream?
too long to type.
blech.

17. Do you have any siblings?
yes! two little sisters!

18. What's something you'd like to say to someone right now?
ugh! i don't like youuuuu!

19. What are your plans for next weekend?
workin, babysittinggg.

20. Say something to the person who tagged you.
i love you! you always know how to make me happy! i'm never upset when i'm with you! and even if i am, you make it better.
my best friend =]